Puppy Update

Thank you for all your support and love for puppy dearest. Her kidneys have improved and we're hoping they keep improving till they're back to normal. Other than that, she has started hating me for half of the day since I'm the mean needle-lady (have to give her IV every morning). The good news is that Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Terence, Auntie Kathleen, and Auntie Suneeti and still on her good side. Her hip dysplasia is making it difficult to run/chase as much as she likes to, but she's a trooper and she's holding on. Other than that, she's just as sweet and loving as ever.

angel face

my breath doesn't make it past my neck
my eyes are scared to blink too slow
as I watch every time your stomach rises
I find comfort and a little more hope

I fear the worst but do not say so
I think of strength but do not feel so
I fight to believe that you will be okay
I'm scared puppy, please be okay

I had not known motherhood in it's common
Till my reason to survive became you
I would not be who I am
if I am not a mother to you

My little love, my angel face
Mommy's with you all the way
Mommy's with you all the way
my heart my love please be okay
my heart my love please be okay

I know very well the pain of love
yet I seek it with all my heart
is this a divine ailment
or am I too foolish a lady
for to love with my flesh
is to love with my heart
though the winds blow a different tune
I stand unshaken without cloth

I do not intend to apologize
for it is quite a privilege
to be loved by a lady so devoted
with a heart made of steel and flower

I give thee my virginity
I give thee my soul
should you fail to honor its presence
I give thee the tip of my sword

My sword, dear sir
has worn no blood
as I live a lady
and will die so

to my sutradhar

iron my face to pale
crease my color in to me
don't tell me you love me
then i might look the same

loving you is to squint in the sun
kissing you used to be fun
i didn't paint i didn't wax
and now i am alone at last

i forget to breathe and i love it so
the chills you feel i sang them too
tried to fit my heart in sole
and let you love me all night long

now i am in the gray, too brown to leave
you played the game too well to feel
but somehow I wasn't made of steel
so iron me pale or crease me gray
i promise you this, I won't ask again

For all you matchmakers out there...

So here's the scene... a bunch of us are standing in line at a pizza joint at around 2am waiting to order. Right next to me is my friend Terence (the matchmaker), who happens to be more than moderately inebriated. This desi guy (matchmakee #1) happens to walk by us and before he knows it his arm has been grabbed and he has been swung around to face me (matchmakee #2). We both look at Terence with a little confusion and this is what we see. Terence points to me, points to him, then points back and forth a couple of times, throws his hands up in the air and says, "I'm just sayin!" and then walks away! I couldn't stop laughing for at least a minute! The BEST way to introduce two people... I'm just sayin'!

Happy New Year

Wow, it's just dawning on me that today is the ninth of January, 2008. Other than the fact that I'm 28 (an issue I'll freak out about later), there haven't been any exhilarating or destroying happenings in '08 (I don't want to say yet). I'm actually a bit nervous about 2008 and at the same time, I've never felt braver. I feel different. 2007 changed me. I'm thankful, sometimes graciously and other times sarcastically, but still genuinely thankful. 2008, here I come.

I wish you all the 2008 you want.

p.s. Natie, please stay out of the hospital this year, Mommy's heart can't take it anymore.

Escaping pleasure and pain

i wonder how much of life is spent in the pursuit of escape or escape itself. I wonder sometimes if the things I find pleasurable are pleasurable to me because I'm escaping/hiding from something unpleasurable. It's a kind of pessimism because it excludes the possibility of unadulterated pure unmotivated pleasure. Like this post for instance, am i escaping from living life by pondering my manner of living life? Is that why psychology interests me?

the inescapable dilemna

What constitutes our perspective and our decisions? For most of us, it's our experiences that guide our opinions, judgments and actions towards situations and people. If we have experienced an occurrence a certain way, it somehow becomes irrefutable dogma in constant need of defense and more supporting evidence. What is reality though? How do we ever know if our perspective and the resulting judgment is objectively accurate? What we see with our eyes isn't even really what happens. We are limited to seeing only that which is external, completely missing the context of internal phenomena that underlie all behaviors. From another's perspective, the same situation could appear entirely different in its morality and even its perceivable content. We know this, yet we defend our experiences and prove our close-minded opinions. But our perceptions and our experiences are the only tools we have to categorize the world around us, to make it more predictable. The world though, is exactly the opposite. The world isn't in the black or white, it's in the murky unsettling anxiety-provoking grays. Life will never be predictable, neither will people. Life is abstract, not concrete. Yet we keep trying to attain the bliss of abstraction with the minutia of concreteness. Are we just made wrong?

Where the women propose...

Had to share this with you all...

Road rules, Rage rules

Earlier today, I pulled out of my garage to find someone stopped without a Stop sign... after the brake lights had stayed on past the cutomary stop-sign-stopping-time, I honked... it wasn't a long rude honk, it was a quick tap which has somehow come to be considered more like a polite reminder. The driver threw his/her hands up in disbelief at my action and pulled off to the side. I continued two more blocks and just as I was about to drive through the green light, a lady making a left turn cut me off while driving 5mph and didn't seem to have noticed that an entire vehicle with other vehicles behind it had just come to an abrupt halt. I didn't have time to honk. Then three blocks later, I find a car perpendicular to mine, stopped horizontally, blocking traffic in both directions. Cars in the other direction are honking.. rudely, I might add... the guy driving the horizontal machine looks like he just realized that he doesn't know how to drive, and cars behind me are starting to honk... I find this all very frustrating, but didn't want to join the honking party, so I just turned up my music and waited till the driver figured out how to maneuver a 20-point turn and pick a side of the road. Then, in the broadway tunnel, there is a bicycler weaving in and out of traffic making all of us slam on our brakes at random times as we try to figure out where he's going to veer to next... Then on Broadway, right past Stockton, there are two cars, blocking both lanes in my direction, just stopped and talking to each other... we're all honking really rude honks, but they're completely oblivious... so, they take their sweet time and when they deem the conversation over, we all get on our way down broadway... I drive down Battery St. without any problems till I turn on Davis - a one-way street... an 18 wheeler is turning onto the street - going in the wrong direction! We're all honking, again... He eventually maneuvers his 5-point turn and drives off in the wrong direction making all of us pull off to the side so we don't get run over... And finally, to top it off... I almost run over a pedestrian running across the street when I have a green and am visible to the naked eye!

WHAT, I repeat, WHAT is going on?

p.s. Here is the honk attitude I'm assuming:
Light tap - a polite reminder
Short-held honk - dude, get out of my way!... please...
Medium-held honk - dude, get out of my f-ing way!
Long-held honk - dude, seriously, get the h-ll out of my f-ing way.. NOW!
Long-held honk, repeating - You can't drive, you need to have your license taken away and you need to get out of my way!

p.p.s. Didn't realize that dude was such a big part of my angry vocab... Thanks MAK for that!

...

A improved.

The little devil

There has always been a little devil on my shoulder guiding me away from what feels right. He is little and seems inconsequential, but he holds more power than my mind, my heart and my soul put together. I might know with undeniable clarity that B is the right choice for me, I might feel with throbbing passion that B is what I want, but he will push me to choose A, because it feels better in the moment. I know that he will push me, that he will tempt me and seduce me into falling for what I want now, yet I still fall for it. Is it lack of control? or is it living in the moment? I have chosen A time and time again to feel better in the moment and only to feel much worse later on. I have now chosen B. It hurts, really bad. I still have hope that A will improve and become better for me in the long run as well.

I'm back!

I can imagine that this period of inexcusable unblogging might have resulted in the loss of some of my readers - all of four people I think - but it is also a test of loyalty for those who might have checked my blog regularly this entire time - so, kudos to my loyal fans.. if you exist, that is :)

An easy excuse is that school started and I was too busy to blog. But that would be lying. The truth is that I had enough time to blog, I just chickened out. My experience at grad school has been very different than that at Cal. For those of you who don't know, I'm on my way to becoming a psychologist. My time at Cal can only be described with one word - crazy! Other than school, I had work, bollywood-mania, drama that comes with bollywood-mania, and my introduction to a life of high stress... It all just seemed to fly by, almost like life was living itself without me knowing it. My first semester in grad school couldn't have been more different. I have come home everyday overwhelmed with all the questions, revelations, inspirations and emotions that result from the day. I have looked around me in class and found my experience uncommon. There is so much I could have written about, yet I was too scared. There is something about putting my thoughts into words and seeing them written out that makes them concrete and undeniable. I've been too scared to face those concrete words. So much is riding on my ability to handle all that is handed to me in grad school - my self-confidence, my self-esteem, and my self-worth... Succeeding in grad school (whatever that means anyway) means too much to me... it's the first tangible measure I can use to prove my 'togetherness.' It isn't really the first one though is it? It's the the next one in the series. I constantly undermine my successes, deem them as minor and insignificant, and find new 'goals' that will be the new 'real test of myself.' My new year's resolution, not a rigid goal or a test, but a simple hope is: to stop testing myself and to find joy in my mistakes.

I usually apologize for a long-winded regurgitation of my thoughts... I won't do so this time.

To my family, friends and loved ones, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love, support and kindness you have filled my life with. I wish you all an incredibly happy new year.

Paris Hilton - Shy and Misunderstood?

Bholi Bhali Paris Hilton... (You'll need to allow this popup to view the video)

girl on girl

Why is it that when a woman is angry with another woman, they lose maturity and turn catty and childish? But when a woman is angry with a man, they might give them the benefit of the doubt because men are a different breed?

This is part of why I've never been a big fan of being close friends with women - when they get mad, the claws come out and hence the unnecessary drama. Whatever happened to just telling the person you're upset with them and having an adult conversation?

Welcome to reality

Women can work and vote. Those are all things that were fought for and are part of the law. But what really is the place and level of respect for women in society? Someday hopefully, the answer to that will be so clear and obvious, that asking the question will be unnecessary. Today, however, it is warranted.

The good news is, that the judge is old, and probably pretty set in the patriarchal ways of thinking. The hope is that the new generation of judges will have more decency in their rulings.

Here's the sepia mutiny writeup about it.

Organized Chaos or Complicated Simplicities?

As the line of what is considered morally acceptable shifts, I wonder if there was ever a line to begin with. In the 1800s, it was considered immoral to teach a slave how to read; now, it is considered immoral, by some, to try to find cure for diseases ailing human beings living in pain and suffering every day of their lives. We created religions to codify our conduct as social beings; we even attached some threats of persecution to add the weight of guilt and fear, hence strengthening the importance of living by religious precepts. But those keep changing too - where it might have been an act worthy of many dropped jaws at one time, sexual intercourse outside of wedlock is a commonality now, even encouraged quite a bit. It seems like we started with a world of no social boundaries where all activities were related directly to survival and as we advanced in the abilities to maintain survival and even added pursuit of luxury in the mix, we regressed from complete social freedom to boundaried existences and thoughts. Boundaries have been loosening; will it keep going till morality becomes a solely subjective concept? Why was freedom so scary that we had to find a way to create boundaries? Why are boundaries so limiting that we have to fight against them?

p.s. I FINALLY have internet again!

the promise of compromise

how far is too far when compromising in a relationship? I can safely say that arranged marriage is a forced compromise on both ends. The woman has to deal with whatever she gets and the man has to do the same. But in the world of dating, where we get to test drive till we find the right one, how far is too far?

Some stop at the first fault they find in the other person. Some weigh the faults with the good in the relationship, and as long as the good wins, they stay in the relationship. Some decide to stay even when the good loses, hoping for change. Some forgive/excuse away each fault to avoid a breakup at all costs.

And when do these decisions start moving you away from who you want to be as a person? Or maybe they shape who you become? When does a relationship become more important than your values in life, or does it end up shaping your values in life?

Where do you draw the line? (This is not a rhetorical question, I'm hoping for a discussion here :) )

ah... to live...

it's t-4 days to moving day, 2am, i'm sitting in my bed with my sweet dog curled up next to me, and it occurred to me - life is good. there are long days and rough days, also fun days and happy days, and over all, life is pretty damn good (wood knocking implied). I've spent a lot of my life living an almost extremist life - not extremist as webster's would describe it, but extremist in my perspective on life. My guess is that I probably picked it up from my years in India as a kid. Since most everyday opinions/decisions there are based on popular opinion and the opinion delivered with the most passion is more likely to be believed, the word-of-mouth effect many a time makes a slightly abnormal occurrence into a grossly unbelievable miracle of an experience. Regardless, if something went wrong, it seemed like the worst thing ever to me, and if something went right, I would wanna celebrate like the world was ending the next day. Life was still pretty good then, but I was nowhere close to feeling like a woman.

Now, having gone through what some of you know to be the hardest, yet most loved period of my life (and no, i'm not being extreme here :) ), I've now found a nice balance where I feel I'm seeing life more fully. To be content with oneself and one's life is quite an amazing experience for those who weren't necessarily that way by default, namely moi. When something makes me happy, I smile restraint-free. When something sad happens, I cry on my shoulders. And the rest of the time, I'm just me, loving each moment of life, regardless of whether I had cried or smiled during it. Seems simple, but who knew how hard it could be.

I'm not that religious, so I don't feel that comfortable saying thank God, but I do feel comfortable saying thank me, my family, my friends and my dog.

All things come to an end, and so is my time in Piedmont. I will miss it, yet I will savor the memories forever. Ah... to live... such a pleasure it is :)

p.s. I feel like a Hallmark card, so hey, lets seal the deal with a cute picture of an adorable dog :)

Blog update - link changing

in an effort to anonymize my blog a bit, i'm chaning the url from ishaifali.blogspot.com to ishaif.blogspot.com... I'll do this in a couple of days...

Unnecessary drama, part two!

For some context, read my previous post... yep, woke up this morning just as disturbed as last night! Seriously, movies/tv to me are engines of the sort of education that really can't be learned anywhere else... They are representations of life and whether or not they are fictional or accurate, I usually walk away not wanting my two hours back. And, it's a form of art very dynamic in it's effect on people, you might have one experience the first time you watch it, and maybe a totally different one the second time, or when you talk to someone about it, or after years have gone by and you watch it again, having grown and changed in your own life.

It's so amazing how the same movie is received drastically differently by different people, and thus they take away something very different from it in their lives... Even movies as disturbing as Crash had a point, something I could take away, something to be 'learned,' something that kept me from saying, "I want my two hours back." Water, on the other hand, just disturbed the hell out of me to the point that I'm too disturbed/disgusted/sad/sickened to be able to find a silver lining or something positive to extract out of the situation. I'm going to have to watch lots of Friends/Family Guy/some stupid Hindi 'delicious comedy' and some Gilmore Girls to get back to my peace of mind.

Ugghh!

Necessary drama?

Just got done watching the movie Water, and I have to say, I am almost angry. I was definitely impressed by the writing, I always love when reading between the lines is part of watching a hindi movie, probably because it's so rare a phenomenon in Hindi movies. I was also impressed by the acting... having just watched part of 'Gadar', yes, it was nice to see actors and actresses who didn't take away from the movie with their under-developed acting skills (yeah, Amisha Patel can't act... yet....). I also tend to be touched by movies based on real-life events or acceptably-accurately-depicted period films, usually because a) they REALLY put my world and life in perspective and b) I usually gain new understanding and knowledge of the period or event in the film, usually starting some fun trips to wikipedia and something new to read about (yes, I get nerdy once in a while)... So, yes, I am glad to have witnessed such a production. But, and yes, here comes the ranting, I don't think that the trade-off of gaining more perspective and learning more about India in 1938 is worth facing some realities of the past that really are just way too much unnecessary drama! Don't get me wrong, I have nothing by sympathy, respect, admiration and also some sorrow for what the women in India in 1938 went through... but, I do think that there is a limit as to how much reality is shown in a movie. I didn't go into it expecting to laugh, I figured there would be some sniffin and tears, but I almost feel like by showing the level of torment, it just took away from maybe the 'point' of the film... Maybe I've bought into the whole 'happy ending' thing too much and now can't handle a movie without an obviously happy ending. Or maybe I'd rather be in the dark about certain realities of this world than to have to face them being acted out in a movie. Or maybe I'll wake up tomorrow saying, "Wow, that was incredibly painful to watch, but [insert yet-to-happen positive outlook here.]

Either way, right now, I feel like this was one movie I could have done without. Check back to see if I 'grow' into a different conclusion... For the time being, I'm taking my swollen puffed-up eyes and aching head for a ride in the world of Peter, Brian, Lois and Stewie :)

p.s. I think the movie even made poor Natie (the dog) cry! Ugghh!

A Doggie Dog World

to be a dog... hmmm... Saying hello to someone consists of sniffing their ass. The smell of pee (or Bush) distracts you to the point that you're forced to pee yourself. Making out with your special someone involves licking their face for hours (well, I guess some people accomplish that through kissing.. eww) Playing involves rolling around with someone else, biting at their neck and chasing them. There is no such thing as monogamy. You sleep for 14 hours a day, get massages and kisses when asked for and sometimes for no reason, and gourmet food is given to you for just sitting down. The society/community in which you live doesn't care about your color, size, looks or age. There is no money, just unconditional love and treats. hmmm.... thoughts?

I dare any one of you to sniff a friend's ass next time you see them :)

to first loves... or second or third... heck, fine, fourth :)

Remember your first love? That very first time you held hands? That feeling you got the very first time you kissed someone? When you felt like no one would ever be better for you than that person? Some last, some don't... mine didn't, but I always smile when I think about all those special firsts... (I'm talking about holding hands and kissing, get your mind out of the gutter!)

To you (you know who you are), I'm happy for you sweets and all my wishes to you and your first love :)

p.s. to the rest of us... let's try to make our fifth or sixth loves work, eh?

Rejection! Help!

So, I call about 10 apartment vacancies every day on average, and have around a 95% rejection rate... this is starting to tax on my self-esteem here... dude, what's going on?! I knew that finding a place that allows dogs would be hard, but I didn't think it would be this hard! I have two options:

1. Keep on it and hope to find a place that fits my parameters (described below)
2. Compromise on my parameters.

My parameters:
- has to allow dogs
- has to have parking
- decent/safe neighborhood
- within my budget of $1600-$1700

Now I need parking and of course need to have my dog around... in case you haven't read my first post, I am in major obsessive love with her to the point of stalking :) I'll be walking her twice a day and so am concerned about the safety of my neighborhood, so not a big fan of compromising on that... so then the only thing left is upping my budget.. which is really hard to do...

Ahhhh!!! Any thoughts? Am I asking for too much?

Born to sing

Now here's someone truly born to sing... Sonya Kitchell. she's been singing and writing songs since she was 8, her voice reminds me of how it feels to hear the mosques all over Istanbul echo with singing that permeates your soul ( and i only heard it off a video Terence made in Istanbul).... Her debut album is already out and you can listen to pieces of it here.

San Francisco, here I come!

Haven't even found a place in the city yet, and the mid-day drinking has already started! Props to Davey Dave for coming out and the abusively prepared, yet delicious breakfast he made us :) Had an AWESOME time at the Union Street fair yesterday guys :)

p.s. so, although I got drunk off a half a glass of wine the other day, I drank two beers yesterday and was more or less just buzzed, not to mention the vanilla stoli with coke at Rye... some day, yes, some day, i'll figure out the relationship between alcohol and myself :)

officially a blogger, at 1:26 AM

so, why am i up? well, the love of my life and the apple of my eye decided to deposit some wonderful mounds of regurgitated food (also known as puke) right smack dab in the middle of my living room... no, I'm not talking about my boyfriend, i'm talking about my dog. For those of you who know me - as in T, who is probably one of the few reading this anyways :) - I am completely obsessed with my animal. There is nothing she can do that wouldn't be welcomed by me, except for fighting with another dog... until this came along. Anyway, since i can't sleep because I'm watching to see if she's drinking water or eating more or I don't know, blinking in her sleep (yes, i am obsessed and don't seem to have much of a life right now :) ), I decided to read some blogs... T's blog, Brian's blog, Wenmei's blog... so here I am, writing my own...

ok, off to bed now, or more staring... ciao! Oh, btw, here's the beautiful creature in case you wanna join in the staring :)